so, I lost something. It could have been a pet, a spouse, a friendship, a piece of jewelry, a job. And so I started the grieving process.  I understand it, intellectually, as a process.  I get there are predictable stages, anywhere from 5 to 7, depending on what research you read. And it takes whatever time is required for an individual to travel through the stages.  It is sometimes represented as a hierarchy, where shock or denial is at the bottom, and as one rises up, they move through the stages.  I’ve also seen it represented much as the start of a roller coaster (ironically, in my case).  Here is my interpretation:

But here is my problem with this straightforward, head-on-down the road to “GetOverIt Town, pop: 1”.  Even as I feel myself moving through the stages, I am resistant.  It becomes iterative, as I realize, for example, I have entered the Bargaining stage, and I recognize that I am trying to enter into impossible negotiations… which means I’ve moved on from Anger…until I realize it, and back I go to the Anger Station.

And so it rolls… in grief, people are encouraged to consider looking for a new job/getting a new pet/ finding a new lover. Part of the bargaining phase, these will all seem like pale imitations, until you arrive at the Acceptance stage, but of course, when I think of getting there, I cycle back to previous stops on the ride, because Acceptance means letting go of all that came before, and there will be no more Anger, no more Bargaining, no more Depression… and I am not ready to give those up… MAYBE I’ve been doing them wrong… MAYBE they will work if I try one more time…

And it occurs to me that there is a double-helix here… I am grieving, and I am grieving the eventual end of this process… Grieving the loss of Grieving.

And that’s how it is that I am stuck at the Iteration Station.

Here’s the Journey in pictures.

And then, as a 2 months-later-edit, I found photos of this sculpture today.  It really tells the tale of what unbearable grief feels like to bear.  I apologize for not crediting the artist, I could only seem to find Pinterest and Instagram shares of it.