I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately.  I volunteered this year to coach a girls volleyball team. Coaching isn’t really my forte, and I’m not especially athletic, but I like volleyball, and there wasn’t anyone else stepping forward to sponsor a team, so I went in. It’s been a mediocre experience, at best. Running parallel with my tenure as Coach, my daughter has been playing on the next grade team.  Her coach and I have a great friendship, and he has been very generous in inviting my team to join their practices.  It also gave him a look at the girls coming up for next year. As a result, I have gained perspective not only on my own, but through the eyes of my kid and from a peer.  Here are the lessons I have learned….

1) Kids are motivated by many things, but “commitment” is not one of them. Until they get into senior level sports, the idea of “You are letting down the team” is a foreign concept.

2) Public schools need to change the way they organize intra-mural sports. “Parent Drivers” are a thing of the past.  Parents who have safe vehicles, abundant insurance and a vested interest in their child’s success are probably working 9-5 jobs. Those who don’t work don’t seem to have the wherewithal to provide chauffeur service.  Even having experienced the dearth of drivers, I had expected to see a little more interest. The senior girls came in second place in the district tournament– a huge, huge victory that my school had not seen in years. It was surprising and dismaying that only one parent showed up to watch, and no parents drove out to pick the girls up from the tournament.  In the end, their coach and I put in a 12 hour day, getting kids to the tournament that was held 20 minutes away by 8:30am, and back at 8:00pm.  Then we waited while the girls called home, and then we waited until the parents came to collect them. And then the other coach and I drove home, another 20 or 30 minutes away….

3) Sports-minded people do not do themselves any favours when they say they want kids to have fun, but really mean they want their team to win at any price. Other sports-minded people who don’t share this view don’t do the sport any favours when they look the other way. An example: Traditionally, the Junior Girls VolleyBall tournament is won by a particular private school. This private school has all the advantages that one would expect, and really none of the disadvantages that we have in Public School. One clear advantage that we could replicate is Saturday practices. We don’t tend to give up our weekends, but teachers in private school commit to that model.  So fair enough, the girls get several more hours a week to practice. Here’s what’s not fair.  This private school runs 2 teams, an A and a B. Both teams include girls that are a year older than all the other girls in the Junior league.  And yet, year after year, the organizers of the league and the tournament allow this school’s B team to participate–and dominate.

4) Speaking of fairness, kids have the clearest and most precise vision of what is truly “Fair”. My daughter didn’t get to play too much in the tournament, because even though she is a good player, half of the girls are slightly better than her. She knew she wouldn’t get much play time in, and was ok with that, but she could see that there were girls who had played all day and were flagging, and there were girls who didn’t want to play any more, and there were also girls who really needed to be pulled off the court. A coach always has a reason for decisions, but unless they are made clear, kids are quick to see injustices….and very probably they are not injustices at all, but it isn’t until adulthood that we learn to accept what our leader says without question, even if we don’t like it.  I’m not 100% convinced that is good learning….

5) Kid Code is a phenomenal power. As much as these girls have functioned as a solid team, it is fascinating to witness the unwritten rules of the Code. One afternoon, I was filling in for the other coach at an exhibition game. I let one girl– a weak player–rotate off and I didn’t put her back in. I caved to the pressure of a Parent of another team member who has been acting as assistant coach, and who is/was a good player in years past. This was a game set up strictly for fun and practice, but I let this “assistant” bully me into keeping the weaker players off the floor. I was annoyed with myself for allowing it, and I was impressed, but saddened, when later my daughter said she felt sorry for the girl who had sat out. Yes, they like to win, but they also want to be a team, and support each other.  It’s a good code. We should listen to it more than we do.