As the GirlChild approaches full adulthood (she can pay taxes, vote and drink anywhere in Canada, but still not old enough to go to Vegas), our conversations take on much more relevance for me–pop culture and teen angst making way for world politics and societal norms…. and double standards.

She expressed her frustration the other day with an item that had been in the news, and how she had experienced the reality of expressing a feminist point of view, and then being called a Feminist. Like it was a bad thing. Or, as she said, as if it was a thing at all. And there is the point we keep coming back to as we circle around this, she and I. I grew up in a time when feminism was called “Women’s Liberation”, and my role models were not June Cleaver, but rather Mary Tyler Moore. Her role models are Katniss Everdean and Lagertha. But still, what hasn’t changed is society’s attitude towards how girls should present themselves and behave, if they want to be taken seriously. How men in the workplace are still looked on as the authority figures, and are never excused their bad behaviour due to hormones. How women dress sends a message, where men just…. get dressed. She rails against the inequity, and I feel the same on her behalf, and yet…. there are truths that are inescapable.

There are 2 things at play in this conversation: 1) Male Privilege and 2) the Human Condition.

My simple reflection on #1 is summed up in the following snippet of conversation. Spending time in a large city recently, my companion walked me safely to my hotel door. I asked him how he was getting to where he was going, and he said it was only a 15 minute walk. “But…” I said…. “it’s after 10pm… it’s dark….”.  He looked at me blankly for a second, and then said: “Lisa, who is going to mess with me?”, and gestured to indicate his over 6′ frame, all 200lbs+ of it. That crystallized, for me, the whole situation: I am not an un-formidable figure myself, but walk alone on the streets of Vancouver close to midnight? Not a chance. I would consider that making a Bad Choice, and that if Something Happened, it would be because I Didn’t Think It Through.  That is the difference, that is a double standard that cannot be summarily dismissed.

That brings us to #2 on my list, The Human Condition.  And this is where it gets interesting. My occupation tends to employ 60%-ish or so Women, but by and large administration and governance is a 50-50 division, and over the 20+ years I have worked in the field, I have felt equitably treated, at least from a gender point of view.  I have been frustrated by perception (for example, for a few years I worked in a site where the staff happened to be made up of all women…save the administrator.  I detested the optics of that–that the only man in the building was the “boss”). Currently, though, it happens that I am one of only two woman on a team of 7 men, and I serve in a quasi-administrative role. There are a few other men and women in our area as well, whom we interact with occasionally. From my perspective, there are no gender-bias issues in any direction, any conflicts would be blamed on philosophical differences, not hormonal ones. The men in the office dress fairly casually, as do most of the women, although I have always tended to adhere more to business or business-casual most of the time (patience, dear reader, this is germane to the tale). It’s not uncommon for any of the men in the office to pop in to ask me a question or bounce a suggestion, and there is no power play or politics in it.

So…. recently, given the sudden appearance of spring,  I was regarding my closet with despair, finally choosing a dress and jacket. The skirt was shorter than I normally wear, but tights and the jacket added the right level of modest coverage.  At some point during the day, a male colleague popped in to my office to ask my opinion on something, a very common occurrence.  This time, however, I had my back to the door as he started speaking, so I swiveled in my chair, and as I did so, automatically adjusted the hem of my skirt and crossed my legs.  My colleague not only lost his train of thought mid-sentence, but that train completely derailed. We are comfortable enough with each other (and both in our 50’s) that we weren’t embarrassed, at least I wasn’t.  He laughed, apologized, saying: “Sorry Lisa, it’s just there are certain things that will always turn us into boys”.

I took the event as neither a compliment nor an insult, and appreciated the honesty of his comment. When I regard my closet again this morning, the same choices (and despair) will present themselves, and I won’t hesitate to wear what I want. So that’s progress.